Whitney Houston Used to be Able to Sing

And I used to be able to write. I used to stay up all night writing, pages after pages, one notebook after the next. I used to fill the margins of legal pads with my every rambling, question, idea.  Writing was a way to categorize all the scattered thoughts in my brain, a way to contain all the fleeting emotions in my heart, a way to sort out all the things that I was unsure of. the ink-on-paper scribblings somehow made sense of what I didn’t quite understand.  It helped.

But then I stopped writing. The crate of notebooks in my closet sat there collecting dust, and got buried deeper and deeper with time. I thought about keeping them when I was packing to move to LA; but they took up too much space, so I threw them out. I knew I would never be able to get them back, but I did it anyways, perhaps for the dramatic effect, or maybe for the fact that I could throw away my past and feel nothing.

There’s been a lot of changes in my life the last few months. I’ve had this feeling in my gut for awhile, but couldn’t really put a finger on it. I woke up the other day and realized it’s the feeling of being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with what, I don’t know. With work? With living. With changes. With nothing at all. I tried to sit down with a notepad and a pen; nothing came out. The blank lines of my steno pad stared back at me as I blankly stared at it. I realized that it’s been a really long time since the last time I wrote something.

I’d like to start writing again. I know now that life’s all about moderation. I don’t have to spend all my time behind closed doors writing sad prose or over-analyzed ramblings, but I also don’t have to blindly live life without taking a step back to see it objectively once in a while, either. As overwhelmed as I am, I’m in a good place right now. I think I’m finally learning how to meet myself in the middle. I’m going to start writing again. There are way too much unprocessed, uncategorized, and unanalyzed thoughts piled up in my head. Maybe that’s why I’ve been getting these migraines lately.

So yeah, I’m gonna try to write again. Now if someone could please tell Whitney Houston to stop doing drugs in the middle of her concerts and stop disappointing her fans.. it’s unbecoming of a diva.

Watch out, China, I’m coming back.

While I love my job at TMZ and am thoroughly enjoying my new life in Los Angeles, in September I will be leaving for China to carry out my proposed Fulbright research project for ten months. In what may be seen as a complete opposite track from my current career route of Miss Universe/Hollywood/TMZ, I will be researching the education of underprivileged children in rural China, specifically analyzing and documenting the stories of selected individuals who have overcome adversity in their lives and become successful in their endeavors.

I’m really excited. Not only because I now have the opportunity to go back to Dalian and reacquaint myself with the city that raised me, but more importantly, I feel like I now have the chance to actually make a difference. Not that I don’t think covering Lindsay Lohan’s probation violation hearings is important (I am not being sarcastic), but this is just something that I have always wanted to do.

I’ve included the personal statement I that submitted to Fulbright with my grant proposal in this post (after the jump). This Fulbright is important to me for many reasons; this is one of them.

Tonight, on TMZ…

Jesse James’ 2939723940 alleged mistresses form an alliance…
Lindsay Lohan tweets as she falls on her face, again. and…
… I’m on TV?

I have been working at TMZ for the past few months. I’ll be the first to admit that I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do when I graduated in November, and never did it even cross my mind that working for TMZ, a guilty pleasure site that often helped me through finals week insanities for the past few years, was an option. Not knowing what I wanted proved to be somewhat difficult when it came to applying for jobs; I realized that wanting to do everything wasn’t an option anymore. This was apparent when I showed up to my interview at TMZ, where the EP looked through my resume, look up at me, and asked me what exactly was it that I wanted to do as a career. I didn’t have an answer prepared for him. But I told him the first thing that came to my mind. It was an honest answer, and it surprised me. Now here I am, my life is falling into routine.

I wake up at 4:45am every morning, get to work by 6am, and come home 12 hours later. I make dinner, unwind, take a shower, and go to bed so I can wake up at 4:45am again.  If you had told me four months ago that I would be getting up so early on a daily basis, I most likely would have laughed in your face. After all, I haven’t taken a class that started before 10am since sophomore year. But I’m somehow okay with my current schedule. I like what I do.

I help produce celebrity and entertainment news on TMZ.com and TMZ TV. Sometimes you can play the “where’s Andrea” game on your TV. My mother hasn’t figured out which channel TMZ airs on in Athens, so I’m not sure she completely understands what it is that I do. I don’t think she’s convinced that TMZ exists. She finally logged onto the website this week and was completely perplexed by the photo of Gerard Butler’s missing finger. I miss her.

So long story short–and without going into any details that will violate my contract–I’m settling in LA just fine. I feel really grown up.

Meet my zippy new ride

For the past two months I have been driving Bryan’s ’98 Ford Expedition around LA. I very quickly came to the conclusion that driving a boat-sized gas guzzler around while trying to familiarize myself with a new, large, and crowded city is not the best idea. So I decided to buy a car. Can I afford a car? Not really. But I bought one anyway. Meet my “super black” Nissan Versa:

5D hatchback. It’s small. It’s safe, it’s gas efficient. It’s not the Yaris (I HATE the Yaris). I’m happy with my choice. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go eat instant ramen for the rest of the year.

But seriously. It’s not a BMW, nor is it my dream car, but I used money that I worked hard for to pay for it. I can’t say the same for most of the Chinese students at Ohio University that drive their super expensive luxury cars around. I’m proud of myself, but I can also feel the weight on my shoulders becoming heavier with every adult decision I make. This is really it. I can’t pretend to be a kid anymore.

Happy Chun Jie/Anna Howard Shaw Day

"what do you mean it's the year of the tiger?"

So this is the first Chinese New Year in nine years where I won’t be performing/participating in Ohio University’s annual spring festival. This is also the first New Year ever that I won’t be spending with my family, or anybody Chinese for that matter. It’s pretty depressing. I thought about making dumplings or baozi from scratch, but Bryan’s working late today, and it’s really no fun by myself. So I’ll probably just go to the Korean market down the block and get some frozen dumplings for tonight. Sigh. I need some friends out here.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day, or per Liz Lemon on 30 Rock, Anna Howard Shaw Day. I envy Liz Lemon; My life is just like hers, except mine’s not funny.

I re-watched the 北京欢迎你 spoof I did with John Schindler III for CNY last year… what low production value! And what a good time that was. I can’t believe my era of 春节晚会’s are really over. It’s been a good ride, ya’ll.

I hopped off the plane at LAX…

...with a dream and my cardigan/welcome to the land of fame excess/am I gonna fit in?

Yes, I just quoted Miley Cyrus lyrics. Yes, I moved to Los Angeles. No, I don’t have a plan.

I finally left Ohio. The past ten years all I thought about was how to escape out of Athens, and I’ve succeeded! Now I just have to figure out my next move. I won’t lie, being out here by myself is a little scary. My closest relatives to the east of me are 2300 miles away in Ohio, and to the west is more than 6000 miles away in China. But you know what? I’m going to really take a chance here and let this grow. This could very well turn out disastrous… but I’m in it now!

Christmas in Washington with Potus & Flotus

I’ve spent the past week in Herndon, Virginia with Bryan and his family. Yesterday Bryan was called in to work on a segment for ‘Lopez Tonight’ at the 2009 Christmas In Washington show (because George Lopez is the host this year). They ended up needing an extra PA, so I filled in.

I set up the dressing rooms for the talent, which include Usher, Neil Diamond, Mary J. Blige, Sugarland, Rob Thomas, and some little kid named Justin Bieber. I’m kidding. Bieber’s the best.

Seriously though. WHY is Justin Bieber so popular? Anyhow, these people in the photo above can thank me for the streak-free mirrors, perfect lighting and personalized stashes of crafts service in their dressing rooms. You’re welcome, J Biebz.

Goodbye, Ohio University

Today I took the last final exam of my undergraduate career. When I handed in my media ethics exam packet I had a sudden urge to high-five the professor, then decided that Dr. Bernhard Debatin seems more like a hand shaker; but I didn’t do that either.

Moments like these are always rather anticlimactic. They never end up like the way you imagined them to be- or maybe it’s just me. I guess I’ve always felt like there should be some kind of distinctive bookmark on these moments… you know, like in the movies, when the main protagonist (I’m naming her Andrea) walks out onto the street after making a life-altering decision, and right at that moment the wind picks up, the sunlight hits just right, faint music starts playing in the background, and Andrea pauses for a brief moment of reflection, the corners of her mouth curve up slightly, and the music gets louder as she turns and walks away from the camera and the screen gradually fade out to black as we see Andrea’s back silhouette slowly blend in with the other pedestrians on the crowded city street. I think I’ve seen too many romantic comedies.

Yesterday Patrick McCue and I spent the afternoon on some rooftops uptown. I mainly goofed around while Pat took some sweet photos on a Nikon D3X with a 45mm tilt shift lens; I’m usually not a fan of rainy, cloudy days, but the cool breeze and light mist was crisp and relaxing. As I looked down onto Court Street and out into the peripherals of Athens, it dawned on me that my time in this town is actually coming to a close. I’ve spent ten years of my life here; I can’t say that they were the best times I’ve had, but being here has helped me grow into who I am today. I don’t know if I’ll miss this place when I leave, but I definitely won’t forget it. The picture below taken & created by Patrick is really fitting with the way I feel and where my life is right now. To see more of Pat’s work check out his website or his flickr.

©PatrickMcCue2010 --All Rights Reserved--

& with that said, I am officially moving on from this chapter of my life and ready to begin the next step in my trajectory: unemployment.

Stay tuned…

everything goes according to plan…?

1. Fulbright Research Grant Application: submitted.
2. Take the LSATs without throwing up: Completed.
3. Break Blackberry Bold yet again: accomplished.

After working on it for a good bit of the summer, I finally submitted my Fulbright grant proposal last week. Now we play the waiting game. Word on the street is that I won’t find out if I make the final round until late February, and it could take up to May to hear the final results. This kind of makes planning ahead a little difficult…

And the LSATs. Oh the LSATs. What can I say? It went so well that I immediately registered for the December test as soon as I got home from the one on Saturday. At least I didn’t throw up on myself I guess.

& yes, I did break my blackberry again. Let’s see– I’ve broken…5 of them now? The first one I broke the track ball. The next one somehow had a broken key pad. The third got ran over by my own car. The fourth met the wrath of water from the pool. And now, mysteriously, the LCD screen on my brand new Bold somehow cracked and the entire screen is blank. So after looking back at my track record with blackberrys, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I should just get an iPhone.

My iPhone 3G S

So I did. and it’s everything I ever hoped it would be. Let’s hope I have better luck with this baby than all the sad little blackberries I once had…

Tracy Morgan came to my Birthday party!

That’s not true. But I did run into Tracy Morgan on the way to my dinner at Carmine’s. Ally and I turned around and followed him until he stopped in front of a deli, and then we took pictures with him like the dummies we are. He was nice.

My twenty-first birthday came and went, and I think it was a success. The drinking age is 18 in the Bahamas, so I was able to escape the drinking frenzy that usually comes with turning 21.

I hope I have a good year.

Ryan Kevin Ho, Jesse's gf, Frank, Ally, Patrick, Wolfgang, me & Bryan on August 16, 2009 at Carmine's in Paradise Island, Bahamas